“There’s a time that I remember, when I did not know no pain
When I believed in forever, and everything would stay the same
Now my heart feel like December when somebody say your name…”
Those were words from a Maroon 5 tune meant for a much younger audience. But they do resonate with me, even at my age when I face the truth of mortality, and with Covid ravaging the world. I actually talked about this with our daughter, but her young mind it seems is not still capable of feeling the loneliness of what December or Winter can bring.
Then too in some weird way, I find myself grateful that you will never really know what it is to be old, and gray (and debilitated with arthritis, like me). For you will always be young, vibrant, elegant, and beautiful in our memories. You will always be that angelic Mariel that literally gleamed magically that afternoon when I first met you at Gourmet Cafe. You will know no pain and that you will always be remembered for your kindness, deep devotion to our Samantha, and recognized as someone who loved without asking for anything in return. I would have also dreaded the thought that you were with us today while this Corona lurked in the shadows, because people with autoimmune issues are very highly vulnerable to this wretched virus. (I would have built a moat around our house or tried to protect you by keeping people away from our fortress. I always had this quixotic idea of being your knight on a white horse. Did we not always talk a lot about visiting castles?)
It’s 13 years today since you had to leave for the Lord’s garden. I regretted that I was never able to properly say goodbye. I had kissed your feet the night before and later left to be with Sam, because I was afraid of giving you germs that might endanger your condition. I really wanted to say I love you one more time, and thank you for accepting me as your knight, no matter how rusty my armor might had looked like. In fact, I will probably ask you again the next time we meet, why you did?
Today that same armor is not only rusty, it may even be broken already in many places. All that remains untouched however are the wonderful memories we had shared, believing in forever, and keeping faith that everything will stay exactly the same.
I visit this blog often just to recall what it was like to sit beside you as you read your favorite book in our bedroom. Or, remembering the many days we dreamed of traveling the world, and imagining too what it would be like to see Sammie off to college. Some of those milestones have passed, while many more are still to be made. I am sure though that you will be there too with us, for both our loss and and our triumphs. December will come, but with you I hope it will be neither cold nor lonely.
We will love you always Mommy. You will never be forgotten. We will always hear “love” every time somebody says your name. Good night Mariel, my sweet princess.
With all my love,