I started writing this post around Christmas but things have taken some kind of a detour.

I’ve been really trying to understand, how the pain I’ve felt with Mariel’s passing had suddenly given way to a deep feeling of emptiness. I tried to keep busy during the holidays especially as Mariel’s favorite sister Joy was visiting from abroad with her family. But after I started failing to return a number of emails, I knew something was wrong and that my life will never ever be the same again.

I had gone through the motions of trying to be hopeful and positive with the coming of the new year but I can’t seem to get the old feeling back. I had never felt lonelier even in the midst of all the celebrations, except maybe for the precious few times I found some  joy in the warm embrace of my daughter Sam and the kind wishes of encouragement from my dear friends Malyn C., Linda, Rhosie, Shadowlands, Robert, Writinggb and Jan. I had even decided recently, to go on an impromptu business visit to China to see if I can find something there meaningful for me to do. But again it has been largely like the proverbial Groundhog Day.

Of course, I know that most people are bound to say that I must try to let go and start to move on. But living life without Mariel can never be easy. Especially if you only knew what it was like to always have a loving and exceptionally caring person in your corner. Or waking up each day to funny, intelligent conversation. Or simply snuggling in bed on cold, cold mornings and dreaming dreams for our Samantha.

Mariel is so missed. And I’m almost sure that it’s an emptiness that can never be filled. But then, I know too exactly what she wants me to do right now. So I’ll keep trying…

I love you Mommy, now and always.