Life without Mariel


I started writing this post around Christmas but things have taken some kind of a detour.

I’ve been really trying to understand, how the pain I’ve felt with Mariel’s passing had suddenly given way to a deep feeling of emptiness. I tried to keep busy during the holidays especially as Mariel’s favorite sister Joy was visiting from abroad with her family. But after I started failing to return a number of emails, I knew something was wrong and that my life will never ever be the same again.

I had gone through the motions of trying to be hopeful and positive with the coming of the new year but I can’t seem to get the old feeling back. I had never felt lonelier even in the midst of all the celebrations, except maybe for the precious few times I found some  joy in the warm embrace of my daughter Sam and the kind wishes of encouragement from my dear friends Malyn C., Linda, Rhosie, Shadowlands, Robert, Writinggb and Jan. I had even decided recently, to go on an impromptu business visit to China to see if I can find something there meaningful for me to do. But again it has been largely like the proverbial Groundhog Day.

Of course, I know that most people are bound to say that I must try to let go and start to move on. But living life without Mariel can never be easy. Especially if you only knew what it was like to always have a loving and exceptionally caring person in your corner. Or waking up each day to funny, intelligent conversation. Or simply snuggling in bed on cold, cold mornings and dreaming dreams for our Samantha.

Mariel is so missed. And I’m almost sure that it’s an emptiness that can never be filled. But then, I know too exactly what she wants me to do right now. So I’ll keep trying…

I love you Mommy, now and always.

5 thoughts on “Life without Mariel

  1. It’s a long road, and no one said it would be easy. There’s no shame or surprise in admitting that it gets to you, sometimes. It can feel like you’re going nowhere because there’s nowhere to go.

    When these feelings strike, I think you just have to acknowledge them. There’s a dim kind of pain which continues through long weeks and months. In describing the experience, of course I’ll emphasize the positive. But don’t think for a moment that there weren’t long periods and repeated ones, too, when these feelings took over.

    It’s just how it is. You know that. I know that. Stick with it as best you can, and tomorrow will be different. It may be temporarily worse, or it might be better. But it will be different.

  2. Dearest Bong,

    I am so sorry for your pain and wish that there was some way I could make it stop. But the truth is when you love someone, and then you lose them, the pain is inevitable. It will never completely go away but it does eventually become bearable most of the time.

    The Christmas season and New Year celebrations are always a difficult time for anyone recalling a happier past – and especially those grieving. Robert is right, each day will be different, better or worse, but different. And as the days pass into months the better days will come more and the the worse days less.

    I am sorry you feel lonely. I have been there and it’s a painful place to be. But try to remember in the midst of your pain, that you have experienced love, and have a beautiful daughter to show for it, and even the tragic and untimely death of your adorable wife can never take that experience away. It will always remain in your heart.

    Take care dear friend.

  3. Dearest Jan,

    Thank you for your loving heart. Indeed the pain never really goes away. I’ll just keep praying that Mariel’s beautiful memories will be enough to get me through that day that we finally get to meet again.

    Blessings to you always.

  4. I’m sorry that you are feeling so empty. It seems to me that this is normal. I won’t tell you to feel differently, just to try to keep looking for the good and the beautiful.

    You and Sam are lucky to have each other still. I know you both miss Mariel. Still. You have each other, and that is no small thing. So many have lost more, right?

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