Life without Mariel

proud-mommy

I started writing this post around Christmas but things have taken some kind of a detour.

I’ve been really trying to understand, how the pain I’ve felt with Mariel’s passing had suddenly given way to a deep feeling of emptiness. I tried to keep busy during the holidays especially as Mariel’s favorite sister Joy was visiting from abroad with her family. But after I started failing to return a number of emails, I knew something was wrong and that my life will never ever be the same again.

I had gone through the motions of trying to be hopeful and positive with the coming of the new year but I can’t seem to get the old feeling back. I had never felt lonelier even in the midst of all the celebrations, except maybe for the precious few times I found some  joy in the warm embrace of my daughter Sam and the kind wishes of encouragement from my dear friends Malyn C., Linda, Rhosie, Shadowlands, Robert, Writinggb and Jan. I had even decided recently, to go on an impromptu business visit to China to see if I can find something there meaningful for me to do. But again it has been largely like the proverbial Groundhog Day.

Of course, I know that most people are bound to say that I must try to let go and start to move on. But living life without Mariel can never be easy. Especially if you only knew what it was like to always have a loving and exceptionally caring person in your corner. Or waking up each day to funny, intelligent conversation. Or simply snuggling in bed on cold, cold mornings and dreaming dreams for our Samantha.

Mariel is so missed. And I’m almost sure that it’s an emptiness that can never be filled. But then, I know too exactly what she wants me to do right now. So I’ll keep trying…

I love you Mommy, now and always.

My life in a flash

If you find absolutely nothing useful with the video I posted today, I’d also be very happy. Because at least you would’ve understood a bit how my life is now. It’s one that alternates between gnawing boredom and absolute panic. Since Mariel passed away, I find myself unable to plan farther than a couple of days. I guess it’s only now creeping that her loss is one that is final and irreversible.

I find no joy in “malling” anymore. When before it was Mariel’s and my national past time, I’m absolutely unaffected now by any advertising hype (some will say maybe thats for the better). While I want to enjoy things like I used to, I seemingly cannot find enough good reasons to really want to, when the very person with whom I love to share everything with, is no longer there. Of course, I try to live my life for Sam as she’s my last remaining hope. But I just had to go out alone today January 20 and lick my wounds in Bonifacio High Street, Makati because people had reminded me it’s four months since Mariel left for God’s bosom. And time again stood still.

I miss you Mariel. I love you so much.

Another dog day at the mall

I went to the mall today. It was tough just getting from the entrance to the exit. Of all times, they decided it was a good day to play “Silent Night”. Books on grieving tell you to expect the unexpected. But nothing prepares you for when the feelings hit you. Yes I’ve lost my Mariel less than a month ago, and if you care to know it feels like having a 30-pound iron ball trying to escape through your chest cavity every time.

I dread the coming holidays. Not to mention Mariel’s birthday which is coming in some two weeks. The experts again advise you to plan in detail how you want to spend those days. To avoid having to deal with the stray memories. I don’t know about you but the only reason I live now is because of those memories. I will go through those days, cherish the memories and there really are tons of them. As weekends were spent mainly cuddling each other, with our daughter Sam. I will also probably cry a lot. Crying is good. Crying heals, albeit so slowly. Crying keeps you less numb, at least for some minutes. Crying keeps you from dying. I can’t tell how long I have to deal with more dog days.

By the way “dog days” are technically the hottest days in the year, when everything seems to stand still. Right now, I feel like I’m strolling underwater, just trying to make it to the exit. By the way, I forgot to mention that its October 19, it’s just past lunch and I’m at the Glorietta mall and a bomb just went off. You can follow the rest on TV. I’ll be sitting it out some more. The “mortars” exploding in my chest are more fearsome to me.