I woke up today feeling a bit light-headed from staying up too late last night. You know I could not sleep because I had to lie alone on an empty bed in an empty house and I still terribly, terribly miss you . You know Sam is away on a weekend trip to Fontana Resort with Mama, Alma and her kids. I wanted to go with them but there are just too many things on my mind these days and I wont be a “nice” traveling companion so I decided to stay home instead. I did however manage to call “Sammy” before she went to bed last night and she seems to be having fun specially with the pool and the “giant slide”. I know that we would have both been there with her if things were different. That’s why I miss you even more.
I also dread facing this day knowing its the 7th month “anniversary” since you know. And all I can do is to pound away on this computer while feeling lonely. Nothing much really has changed since you left. I have not been able to organize much my life just yet, preferring to coast along instead or keep busy with little side projects. It’s like being on auto-pilot I guess as I rely mostly on Mama, Alma and Baguie to tell me where I needed to be. And I have not had much luck either with Sam who seems to be in some kind of a “space bubble”. She still avoids talking about you or looking at your pictures. Which is exactly the opposite of what I’d like to do all the time. But don’t worry Mommy, we will be able to sort things out sooner than later. Again as they says “grief is the price of love” (right, Robert). I know still that you will be always with us even while we go through our darkest and most difficult journey.
I still get “ambushed” by bad memories of our times at the hospital. I just try to block them off and just keep praying whenever those times come. You may have noticed that I’ve been “surprisingly” more prayerful these days. (I know at least the change would have made you happier now because you tried so hard to get me to realize this before. I know now why, for at the very end there’s just really God who will truly understand what you’re going through. Now I know..)
It’s a Sunday and I must be off now to Heritage Park to tend to your little memorial there. I think I will be bringing you more colorful ones this week. You may have been bored already with those white roses, white stargazers, white mums, white everything. I will do my best also to see “today” on a more positive light, as I know this would please you (I’m not making any longer term promises however because you know how it is). I will try today to remember only the good memories and all the good things you stood for, which are a lot. And to remember too the beautiful person whose beautiful face I loved to touch and kiss so much. And whose beautiful and loving embrace will remain with me till the day we meet again.
I love you Mommy, now and forever.
With all my love,
6 thoughts on “Letter to Mariel, April 20, 2008”
The white flowers, Bong, are so much a part of our earthly experience of our loved ones – white, the color of purity. I want so much to infuse my flower offerings with color, for Owen was a man of color, a painter, who chose deep, rich colors to depict his life. Mariel, too, chose colors – I see this in her clothes, and in your home.
Brilliant colors are likely to someday be your theme for remembering your dear, sweet, Mariel. I can only guess that you remember her in living color, while honoring her in the purity of white flowers. I’m certain she would understand your sentiment.
Peace on the path,
That’s beautiful, Bong.
Lots of little steps, and each of them a huge achievement. Mariel would be very proud of you, and I’m sure she is.
Beautiful flowers for a beautiful lady – white or colourful any woman would love them. Mariel will too.
Being “ambushed” is painful but the acute painful reminder of the loss we feel (but try to repress) is good – becuase as you so rightly say, it the price we pay for love. The more we love the more we grieve – they are two sides of the same coin. If you enjoy one, sooner or later you must endure the other. That’s life – every Rose has thorns that can make us bleed.
Eventually the pain will become bearable – it will never entirely go away or disappear completely BUT it will become handleable – trust me.
In the meantime I send you a gentle hug from me, someone who understands.
I’m happy to tell you that I did give more colorful ones for my flower offerings to Mariel yesterday. I’m glad because I remember how Mariel always loved to decorate our home with beautiful bright colors. She was the expert in these things and made it look easy.
Thank you for caring. I wish you too all the best things this week ahead.
Baby steps indeed. It’s never easy but I try to do my best for Mariel. You know I’d do anything to make her happy.
Thanks for showing the way.
Yes the pain never really leaves, it just gets a little bearable with time.It’s because Mariel is too beautiful to be easily just forgotten.
Her memories shall always remain with me till we meet again. Sometimes I get a little impatient with the wait but she still somehow reminds me I have to live for Sam too. And if there anything that I know can make her really happy, it’s about making sure her beloved daughter only gets the best in life.
Thanks again for your kind and comforting words.