Every Day I Miss You (Part 1)

“If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in a garden”.- C. Gandhi

What’s there to miss about Mariel? I’d say, a world. For starters, she had always provided me with that reassuring presence that I could do just about anything I decide to put my heart into, and that she’d be there to follow me to the ends of the earth. Out of enthusiasm, unwavering belief, respect…, love? I guess all of the above, and more. For Mariel had in her also the qualities of any good leader– knowing exactly when to get into the picture and when to get out of the way. And while we had so many “spirited debates” over the years about almost everything, she never once imposed her ideas on me. Because she had always tried to win me with reason and even better, with her example. She was first to sacrifice her love of shopping during times when finances weren’t too great. That’s why I felt so guilty when hankering after my latest “gadget” then. But lucky me, many times she had conveniently looked the other way while as I raided Apple Center. She had “spoiled” me and I miss her so much now.

I also miss her creative home decor projects. Those who knew Mariel will tell you how much she loved to decorate our little home. While her favorite themes were mostly English country-style, she had this knack for making masterpieces of even “found” objects. But I’d just say that she had only wanted our home to be plainly clean, sunny and comfortable. Bright floral prints interacted with fresh greens and cool blues. And certainly, life would not be complete if we didn’t have her favorite accents of lilac, violet or purple (yes, her signature color). While I often contradicted her ideas with my own “unique” design sense, I have to admit now that most of the time she was right when it came to knowing where to put the piano or next flower pot.

I miss her for her ways with Sam. Mariel loved her dearly, but really knew when to “discipline” her. She had always told me it was all about timing. She knew when to be firm and when to give those hugs. I am truly lousy at it even today. So, I usually end up aggravating Sam’s feelings even when I just wanted to give her some encouragement. I really need to practice more and get guidance from my Mariel.

I also miss just sitting around the house and reading the newspaper with her. We would get into these lively exchanges on politics, business news and at times times about that juicy entertainment gossip around town too. Mariel could gamely trade views on just about everything from Alan Greenspan to Brangelina. And that’s why she was never a bore to be with. She would always make you feel comfortable and knowledgeable. She would try to reach out to you, even when initially she’d appear “offish” when you first meet her. I guess she was just in some ways shy, but she was always really very compassionate.

I miss her for her “heart”. She was usually first to remember birthdays, anniversaries of friends and kin. She had always gently reminded me of these things. She was genuinely concerned about the well-being of people. Whether it was to visit a friend who was sick or to get that little present for my mom when we see her on Sundays to cheer her up, Mariel simply cared for others. And she would do this in ways that you’d never even feel that you’d have to return the favor. I’ve heard many, many stories of people she had “helped”, all of which I’ve come to know only after she died. She never once tried to share any of her little acts of charity with me. Giving came to her naturally, and oftentimes it was Sam and me who were at the receiving end.

Tonight I just miss snuggling on the bed with her and our “Sammy”. I miss her warm and comfy embrace, her nice smell, her kisses that were more like sniffs. I miss her gentle reminder of that “early meeting” tomorrow. I miss giving her those leg massages that put her to sleep. I miss coming home late then waking her up in the middle of the night just to tell her stories about how our high school reunion went. (And she’d even try to stay up and be sympathetic.). I simply just miss being next to Mariel now and knowing that everything will be all right tomorrow when I wake, knowing that she’ d be there to follow me to the ends of the earth if she had to.

I love you Mommy. I do miss you every day. There are so many things I want to tell you when we next meet. Good night.

8 thoughts on “Every Day I Miss You (Part 1)

  1. Most of the time it’s really more like just ‘talking’ to Mariel. I really still miss her so much and there are still many more things I would have wanted to tell her. For starters, I really feel I never said that I loved her enough. She was a truly special person.

    Thanks for visiting again, I know Mariel too appreciates your kindness and caring.

    God bless you always.

  2. My own unique design sense… yes, that assessment sounds so familiar.

    Sam is growing up. My eldest is a teenager now, and she’s quite different from how she was just a year or two ago. It changes all the time.

    There are no rules for parenting – in some ways it’s the hardest job in the world and yet there’s no instruction manual.

    I find myself cutting both ways. I’d like to be firm, and I’d like there to be no surprises. But I rarely seem to carry that all the way through. Deep down, I think I know that a little teenage rebellion is a decidedly good thing.

    Perhaps then it’s about finding a balance. We can’t always get it right, and maybe that teaches them something important as well. Because one day, they’ll have to make their own decisions and they won’t always be the same as ours.

    As that future comes nearer so parenting changes. More and more it’s about giving enough freedom for them to make mistakes, whilst still being there to pick up the pieces. And if that all sounds simple, then I’m certain it won’t be!

  3. Bong – you write beautifully about mariel because the word come from your heart. I am sure she can hear you. Hold on to that lovely thought …

  4. Dear Robert,

    Thanks again for the useful advice. More than anyone you know how it is to raise children and rely mainly on just love and common sense. It’s not easy but I’ll do my best for Mariel and Sam.

    I hope you’re always doing fine in whatever part of the world your work brings you. Spirits up to you too and may the wind be always at your back.



  5. Hi Jan,

    You are the real writer in the block. You write so vividly too about life and living. I also really needed to hear that somehow my thoughts and feelings do reach Mariel. I believe that she was so special that my own lifetime may just not be enough to completely honor her memory. So I’m hoping that through the blog, Mariel’s life of love may at least reach out to others and make them realize that as someone said, ” the love we learn to give is the only one we can eventually keep.”

    Be well and happy always.

    Take care,


  6. Pingback: Mariel My Wife « Mariel’s Garden

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