Through the Looking Glass

This week brought me back to where my journey had began. I tried so hard to avoid going to UST hospital this past year but I just couldn’t get out of this one simply because Sam needed to be admitted to the same hospital after having taken some “bad food” at a party and her pediatrician happens to come from the very place too. And much more, the only available room was on the same floor where Mariel and I had stayed a year ago. It was like diving to the trenches anew. Tough luck or providence? You be the judge.

For a time I was of course more preoccupied with Sam who was going through the lab tests and was running a high fever. But still the images and emotions of the recent past had kept hounding me, taunting me to confront my fears and regrets. It wasn’t long before I had finally found the guts to again walk the long, lonely corridor. To relive the days when time had stood still. To return to the valley of tears.

I must admit however that it was not as bad as I had imagined. In fact, I felt a certain kind of peace with my sadness, as I stood outside the door where Mariel and I had shared seven fateful days not so long ago, believing love will be enough to get us through. At that point, some nurses at the station recognized me and remembered Mariel. (I guess very few people really forget her once they somehow get to know her.) They said they remembered most the whiteness and porcelain-like texture of her skin. I’m not surprised though, because I had always known that Mariel had radiated such simplicity and childlike purity. That’s what most people usually grasp, that was the very feeling I had when I met her for the first time at the Gourmet Cafe. She was glowing and almost translucent. It was like old times again for some fleeting moments. And I neither felt afraid nor burdened because I was sure, Mariel was there holding my hand.

Good night Mommy. ‘ Love you.

8 thoughts on “Through the Looking Glass

  1. rhosie

    i know the feeling, i exactly experienced that grandma died in the hospital 2 yrs ago and from the day of her death i did not come back to that hospital.for me it reminds a lot of memories, the pain and suffering she’s been through..until 2 months ago , a sister of my friend was confined on that hospital.i had no choice, my friend needed me at that time, as i walked to the pathway going to ICU,i felt my feet where so heavy and tears started to fall…as if the pain started to flashed back again…
    i think this thing happened for a reason, maybe its one way of God helping us to face our fears and anxiety.this a one way making a small steps to the process of acceptance..i am happy you overcome your fear of pain, fear of remembering those saddest memories..
    i know behind your fears Mariel is in your side guiding you…Godbless

  2. Hi Rhosie,

    It’s astonishing how although we all come from many experiences, certain things in the grieving process do seem to remain the same. I guess the common thread really is our deep love for those who had to leave ahead of us.

    Thanks again for your good wishes as I say a little prayer too for your beloved grandma, who I know truly still feels you love.

    Take care,


  3. Dearest Bong,

    This post indicates just what a long way you have come in the last year. Not only were you able to confront your fears but you were able to cope because you realised that Mariel is still at your side – and you now know that death cannot take her away, not now, not ever.
    You are so brave and you have learned much on your journey. There must have been so many times when you felt alone in coping and full of despair. Facing our fears is good; stepping out of our safe circle is good, and you proved that on your visit to the hospital.

    How is the little patient? You forgot to tell us that Sam is well. Send her my love and best wishes to feel better soon.

    Blessings to all 3 of you, always.

  4. Dearest Jan,

    I’m doing my best to move towards acceptance but I know I still have some ways to go. Thanks to your kind encouragement though, my journey is made bearable.

    Yes, about Sam. I’m very happy to report that she is out of the hospital already. She spent about four days there but is now back to school. She has some catching up to do by the way because of missed exams and school projects. Thanks too for the good wishes and prayers.

    Blessings to you and your family. We are always glad see you at the garden.

    Take care,


  5. aaron

    I’m very sorry to hear about you’re wife. My wife was diagnosed with UCTD about 6 months ago, and watching her get sicker and weaker is very hard. Im very scared to even think about what may happen to her as she is my and my son’s life.

    Without her I don’t know how i would go on. You’re pain must be so great.

    Reading you’re blog has helped me realize just how much i need to appreciate my wife as she sounds much like yore wife. Unselfish, always dillagent, only interested in the good of her family, and completly devoted to her job and family.

    I hope better days are ahaid for you and yours good luck and God bless.

  6. Hi Aaron,

    Thank you for your kind words. I hope that while things are quite challenging at the moment, your family will get through this with the love that has kept you through all these years. Keep believing too that God is faithful and will never abandon you both even in the darkest times.

    Please keep in touch as we are happy to see you as often at the garden.

    Blessings to you always.

    Kindest regards,


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