Between Nothingness and Eternity

golden-gate

I shamelessly borrow from song titles these days, like this one from my favorite musician- John McLaughlin- above, because I’m truly at a loss for words to describe my life at the moment. And  this tune comes to mind.

My days are filled with the unrelenting minutiae of everyday life, helping create the illusion of being “busy” (or as if moving forward), when all I  really care and think about is being one day reunited with my Mariel. Of course, I try to live my life for our Sammy now. But no matter how hard I try to pretend that there are still more dreams waiting out there for me. My heart, I guess can only be found in another place. It seems that there’s not much left to keep me inspired in that space between nothingness and eternity.  So till then, I’ll just carry on expertly filling up emptiness with “disconnecting distractions”, keeping myself preoccupied till my hopeful day comes.

I love you Mommy, I miss you so very much.

2 thoughts on “Between Nothingness and Eternity

  1. Dearest Bong,

    I am so hoping you wrote this on a bad day – but sadly, I suspect it is the way you feel right now. Sometimes going about day to day tasks can seem so futile, pointless, and hopeless – when you’ve lost someone you love. But doing the daily tasks that ensure survival will actually help – you start off doing them because they have to be done, and then one day (without even noticing) you’re doing them without them feeling pointless.

    However, I suspect you may be suffering from depression – it’s very common when in grief. First it is reactive (it is natural to feel depressed with life when you’ve lost a loved one) but then depression can become clinical. Maybe you should seek professional help Bong? There is no shame in asking for help. Sam needs you – and you have a life to live too – and Mariel would not want to know you could not continue.

    I wish I could make things better for you.

    Kindest regards from Jan

  2. Mariel Bello

    Dearest Tito,
    It has been such a long while since I have posted an entry of mine. I truly apologize for the significant time gap and hope that I did not in any way offend you.

    Tito,
    I understand the experience of declining. Shifting from reality into a personal idealized world, it’s hard to stay rooted on Earth…especially when pain is ripping your roots. I know how it feels to mindlessly commit yourself to tasks without knowing why you are doing it in the first place. And when your mind is seperated from your body, you begin to realize if you have any control anymore…that everything around you is empty…a mundane and repetitive, never-ending routine.
    And how even smiling becomes a chore.
    But, Tito, I realized something…that even as I was mentally and emotionally falling apart, I was missing out on what was tangible. The love that others bestowed onto me. Even if my own heart was floating in some distant world, I was propelling the very same thing that I was desiring. And it was painful…to crack open the barriers…because I was so afraid that it would only be a letdown…
    Tito, Tita Mariel loves you and will always love you. Her love does emanate from the heavens and through the one person you have right now. Your daughter Sammy.
    That is your light.
    Tito, it is a good thing to hope in the future…but do not let it consume you. It will hinder you from the most important person you have right now. Real, genuine, love. From your daughter.
    From your friends.
    Your family.
    From me.
    Everyone who truly loves you.
    Cares for you and wants you to be safe and well.
    To be happy. And to smile without hesitation.

    I will not tell you what to do nor how Tita Mariel must be feeling because I have no position nor right nor knowledge to do so.
    After all, I am only 17.
    But I will tell you this straight from my heart.
    Hold on to those you have in the present.
    With their love, you find comfort and contentment.
    I love you Tito Bong.

    Love, Mariel.

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