Tag: memories

It’s our Anniversary!

On By Ramon B.In Mariel's Life, On Grieving1 Comment

Civil Wedding in Tarlac

I remember waking up on this day some ten years ago shivering in the cold morning air. Looking back, I was probably just a bit anxious about making the three- hour trip with an entourage to Tarlac for our civil wedding ceremony. I had looked forward to this day but felt a little uncomfortable at having the spotlight on me. When we got there, Mariel was my exact opposite though. She was radiant and so well composed in her Filipino- inspired ecru dress. She was also relaxed but had one eye on the wedding details, such as guest lists, food etc. Things were as hectic as it could be but nevertheless I had my expert at multitasking on- the- job. In fact, many of you would know that we will still be flying to Phuket the very next day for our dream garden wedding in Thailand.

But I digress. For my key recollection was indeed seeing my wife Mariel glowing in the morning sunlight. She was so, so beautiful on that Saturday in January. This was after all, the day that the Lord has made for us. We had both waited so long for this time, to meet that someone whom we had finally decided to spend the rest of our lives with. We had so much to live for on that January morn. Like raising a family and building our little castle and you know, simply conquering the world. But as unexpectedly as she had come into my life, Mariel had to leave.

That is why it hurts so much remembering this, our special day. I know how much the day meant to Mariel too. (I can even reveal now that she had consistently used it as her “password” for things such as computer login etc.) She never forgot to mark the day. Although I must admit that there were some years when I had not. Of course, Mariel had always gently reminded me. Well Mommy, I know I will never now miss “celebrating” this day. For right now I’ve decided to make it as my day of thanksgiving– “Mariel’s Day”. For your having come into my life and having made it worthwhile. For your having shared with me my life’s happiest moments. For your having gifted me with our beautiful and talented daughter Samantha. For being that selfless, gentle and the totally loving wife and best friend that I can ever have.

Thank you Mommy for sharing your life with me. Thank you for loving me. I will love you always for the rest of my life. And I will celebrate today till that time we meet again. Happy Anniversary!

( I’d like to end with a song for Mariel. One that she liked very much and she had asked me at times to sing to her even with my “horribly squeaky” voice. I guess more than ever it best describes my deep longing for my love, my wife and best friend. “The Nearness of You” done so beautifully by Nicole Henry. )

A Road I Must Travel

On By Ramon B.In Mariel's Life, On GrievingLeave a comment

Grieving is a lonely road I must learn to travel by myself. There are no road maps to hasten the journey. Only anecdotes and tear-drenched stories of those who have gone through it before. And with gratitude I take comfort in their promise. There are many others too who want to join me on my passage. Family, friends and even faceless people who share my deep anguish. And I thank them all so very much from my heart’s depths for their caring and affection.

But I alone can make this trek through the valley. And hope to maybe make it through the other side. Sometimes it’s cold and desolate, sometimes so full of suffocating regrets. And I pray to God that He may hold my hand as I make the crossing. But I’m not ready to “let go” just yet. Not just yet. Please forgive me Mariel for being so spineless now. I love you so much and have only your memories to keep me going. Give me a little more time to learn to live with the pain and accept that you are in a really, really better place. And as Linda once said ” to find reasons to wake up each day, knowing Samantha is enough”. I love you Mommy. I will always love you.

( I’d like to sleep tonight with thoughts of Mariel and a song which I know she liked. This one’s “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” by Katherine McPhee)

To Love and Honor Mariel

On By Ramon B.In Mariel's Life, On Grieving, SamanthaLeave a comment

Mariel and Sam at Sentosa I go to Heritage Park to “talk” to Mariel as often as I can. I was there again today, Sunday. No, I am not turning delusional. It’s just that I try to find time to have some moments with her in those very peaceful whereabouts. I close my eyes and feel the gentle breeze on my face as if to receive Mariel’s own gentle kisses. I also make sure that her special place is kept “squeaky clean” and has her favorite fresh flowers as much as possible.. Those who knew Mariel can attest to how well she kept a clean home and work environment for us. She had provided the order for us to thrive and blossom.

While there, I just basically tell her what’s on my mind. Mostly about caring for Sam. I must admit that I’m still overwhelmed by the task ahead of now having to raise our nine- year old daughter single-handedly. I have always been poor at understanding women. How much more now that I have to deal with a highly- intelligent daughter who is also slowly starting to find her own place in the world. Daughters don’t come with a “user’s manual. So I just try my best to assure her that I will always be there for her, no matter what. And that I will be there to “listen” to anything she may want to share with me 24/7. I know she misses her Mommy much, but has just been a little better than me at “hiding’ it. After all she “is” her mommy’s daughter. Mariel was never a “cry-baby”.

Therefore, I try to put Sam to bed each night and sing her lullabies as her mom used to do. Overall, I just attempt to “wing it” at taking Mariel’s place. She was so good at it and had put up such high standards that I can now only clumsily carry on. I don’t do it reluctantly however. Because it’s my way of showing Mariel how much I truly loved her. I love Sam as much too. But here’s another chance to serve her memory. Which is to give all my love to the person Mariel loved so very much. Our Samantha.

Mommy, please help me bring up our daughter to be like the fine lady that you were. Because only then can I be completely happy and be able to say that I have done my work well at honoring my one true love. My Mariel.

Another dog day at the mall

On By Ramon B.In Flowers for life, On GrievingLeave a comment

I went to the mall today. It was tough just getting from the entrance to the exit. Of all times, they decided it was a good day to play “Silent Night”. Books on grieving tell you to expect the unexpected. But nothing prepares you for when the feelings hit you. Yes I’ve lost my Mariel less than a month ago, and if you care to know it feels like having a 30-pound iron ball trying to escape through your chest cavity every time.

I dread the coming holidays. Not to mention Mariel’s birthday which is coming in some two weeks. The experts again advise you to plan in detail how you want to spend those days. To avoid having to deal with the stray memories. I don’t know about you but the only reason I live now is because of those memories. I will go through those days, cherish the memories and there really are tons of them. As weekends were spent mainly cuddling each other, with our daughter Sam. I will also probably cry a lot. Crying is good. Crying heals, albeit so slowly. Crying keeps you less numb, at least for some minutes. Crying keeps you from dying. I can’t tell how long I have to deal with more dog days.

By the way “dog days” are technically the hottest days in the year, when everything seems to stand still. Right now, I feel like I’m strolling underwater, just trying to make it to the exit. By the way, I forgot to mention that its October 19, it’s just past lunch and I’m at the Glorietta mall and a bomb just went off. You can follow the rest on TV. I’ll be sitting it out some more. The “mortars” exploding in my chest are more fearsome to me.