Category: On Grieving

Dealing with the loss of our life’s greatest inspiration- Mariel

Condolences to Rene Saguisag

On By Ramon B.In Flowers for life, On Grieving2 Comments

I heard that former Senator Rene Saguisag lost his wife, Dulce, last night to another senseless vehicular accident. I offer my deepest sympathies and condolences.

Mariel and I used to see them a lot together some years back when we visited my mom’s place in Palanan, Makati City. They usually went to hear Mass in a small church nearby “holding hands”. Mariel used to also say that they indeed looked like a very loving couple,”almost like teen sweethearts”. I know too that Mrs. Saguisag was a cancer survivor, which all the more made what happened so ironic. But such is Life. Sometimes “no preparation, no good-byes, just the loudest silence you can imagine” and then followed by numbing days and nights. I dare not compare my own loss however with the good senator’s. For every loss is unique, every grief so personal. But even so, we all just try to discover some meaning or purpose with each one. Because we refuse to believe that our existence is a random throw of the dice.

I have just started on my own journey of discernment. I expect it to be a bumpy, painful ride. But I owe it to my beloved Mariel to try to know for myself the whys. I know that even then she will be with me. Because she’s now my Angel. Comforting me. Guiding me.

Happy Birthday Mariel !

On By Ramon B.In Mariel's Life, On Grieving7 Comments

Mariel Bello

It’s a little past 12 am of November 6. Around this time every year I’d wake up Mariel to whisper “Happy Birthday Mommy, I love you”. After a big hug, it was usually back to sleep for her. It’s not that Mariel did not appreciate my greetings on her special day, she just knew that she had to get up early to prepare Sam for school the coming day. As I’ve said many, many times before in the blog, for Mariel, Sam is THE priority. That’s why I love Mariel even more looking back. She seldom called attention to her own needs. She was happiest when she was sharing with others. Her birthdays were normally spent having a simple dinner at home.  Many times over Max’s Fried Chicken and Pancit Canton.

That’s why later tonight, it will be her favorite noodles and chicken for us. Plus, we’ve written her short letters as little gifts to her today. I had promised Sam not to publish her message on this blog. Sam believes her thoughts are simply between her and her Mommy. All I can reveal is that it’s filled with lots of infinity symbols.

If I can,  I will also probably read some really nice words of encouragement we’ve received through this blog– Mariel’s Garden. Thoughtful comments from Linda Riley (mysteryoriley blog), Grace V, cousin Annie, “Writing Grandma”, Mariel our niece, Joy L, Direk Vincent, Hedy T, Susie B, Claire Espina and her siblings, will surely warm our hearts when we most need it most now. We also plan to offer Holy Mass and prayers later, and maybe, if we are still up to it, we can also look at old photographs and remember our happiest times with Mariel. There were truly many happy times we’ve shared. They can however never be really enough, because she had so much to give from her endless wellspring of love and caring.

I really wish many more people would have gotten to know her more. But my Mariel came across as very private, to many of you. Actually, she just never wanted to impose on anyone. She was never comfortable being the object of attention. She would rather give instead. She was happiest when she made others happy. And she can afford to give so much because her cup was so full. She is already complete, and wanted nothing for herself.

Well, on the other hand not completely nothing. If there was anything she was a bit selfish of, it was about her daughter Sam (and maybe to some extent, of me) She wanted almost nothing, but to just spend moments with the three of us, cuddling in bed. Maybe she saw it coming. I will never really know. All I know right now is that I will be spending all my days in this world trying to make people, and specially our daughter Sam, understand what a truly exceptional person Mariel was. A loving, gentle and very generous person. A person who “found her happiness in the happiness of another”.

Happy Birthday Mommy. We will always love you. You will always be in our hearts. Love you to Alpha Centauri and back.

Peace be with you, Mommy

On By Ramon B.In On Grieving, Samantha1 Comment

Sam at sacred Heart ShrineIt’s Sunday, Nov. 4. and I brought Sam to Holy Mass, as her mom always made sure on this the Lord’s day. It was off to the Divine Mercy Shrine in Mandaluyong, which is about a block away from our house and I really struggled to get through the Mass. For Mariel wasn’t there beside me as I’ve grown to cherish all these years. It was particularly tough when I had to “hold hands” with Sam for the Lord’s Prayer and the reassuring, familiar warmth of Mariel wasn’t there. Even harder was not feeling her affectionate embrace at “Peace be with you”. Most of you reading this may find it hard to imagine the aching pain that comes with these moments. It’s a terrible, terrible sadness that makes time stand still, or at least move it utterly slow. I even wished I were just dreaming and will at any time wake up to find Mariel by my side (and break into laughter at my silly reverie). But of course, we all know the cold reality. Mariel will no longer be there to hug me tenderly. No longer there to tell me everything will be okay after some problems at work. No longer there to unceasingly look after Sam’s happiness. Mariel was my giant shoulder to cry on. No one can replace her in my life and beyond.

It was also the first Sunday of November and the priest requested all those who will be celebrating birthdays this month to come forward for a special blessing. I asked Sam to walk up front for her mom, as Mariel would’ve celebrated her forty- something birthday in two days. Sam got a religious “bookmark”. I know Mariel got her special blessing too. I just wished there was a special prayer for me to be able to make it through the day. For time has stopped and I don’t know what else to do.

Moving through warped time and space, I brought Sam home and found my way back to the mall. I wanted to grieve alone midst the “impersonalness” of the crowd. There I can be no one. For a few hours, I did not have to hear the words “you have to move on”. Because I wanted time to be stuck at that moment when I had said “Peace be with you” Mariel. And she then replied with a smile filled with innocence and compassion.

Peace be with you, Mommy. I love you.

Close your eyes. It’s all right, Mariel

On By Ramon B.In On GrievingLeave a comment

It’s a “slow” day today, November 2. And it’s also a holiday. Most people are quietly recovering from yesterday’s big event of the month.

I still think a lot about Mariel though. Like maybe spending away lazily the afternoon doing nothing. I used to always give her leg & foot massages that made her sleep better. I know I’d like to give her some more when I can. Maybe even sing her a lullaby. And snuggle too, with Sam close by. So close you eyes, Mariel. You can close your eyes it’s all right. “Daddy’s” here to keep you safe. Sleep well, my love.

(This featured timeless James Taylor tune says it all. I know Mariel will like it very much)

I believe one day…

On By Ramon B.In Mariel's Life, On Grieving2 Comments

Bong and sam at Mariel’s Forty days
We had a simple commemoration of the 40th day of Mariel’s passing last October 29. We had Holy Mass said by Fr. Ginu from India and had dinner with friends and family at Lexington clubhouse. It was also a time to thank all those who had helped us through our time of great sadness.(as I now also take this opportunity to say “Thank you” to all of you who were “there for us”. I’m so humbled by all the care, kindness and comforting embrace)

By Christian tradition, “Forty Days” is the time when we affirm that Mariel has finally joined our Lord Jesus in heaven, as He did himself ascend to be with the Father for the same number of days after Easter. This is a central belief for us Christians as it promises that we are after all, merely “passing through” this life on Earth. And that we are really meant to re-join one day Jesus and those we love in our real home in heaven.

I hold on dearly to this belief. Because someday at God’s chosen time, I too will be called to join Him and to again be with my Mariel. I await that time with deep hope and yearning. For on that day I will again touch her face and tell her that at last we can have each other for eternity. Please wait for me Mariel, my love, and prepare that place for us, as you have always done so well.

Sam News # 4

On By Ramon B.In Flowers for life, On Grieving, Samantha1 Comment

Sam as Halloween DevilTrick or Treat? Those who read my previous post Sam News # 3 will remember that this year, Sam’s costume of choice is… the Devil Witch. The Halloween committee at Lexington Garden Village have decided that costumes must conform with a strictly mandated “horror theme”. So, we therefore chose to comply. Sam would have however wanted to come out as Gabriella from High School Musical 2, but.., Which makes me wonder why we all have allowed Halloween to be turned into some kind of competitive sport. Call me, a grumpy, andropausal, middle-age spoilsport but can we please go back to a time when Halloween meant painting an old T-shirt with skull & bones and making do with ketchup as fake blood. Besides, only Toy Kingdom benefits from this Hallo-hype. Nevertheless, Sam enjoyed herself today and was even a finalist in the costume parade. Well, I better start preparing for next year’s event. How about… “Creature from the Black Lagoon”. Am I showing my age? Can you help me out “Mommy”?

May I add too, that I had to fight more lumps in my throat again as I was holding Sam’s hand for the parade. Mariel’s enormous shadow looms large in occasions such as this. For she was the soul of our family. And now that’s she’s gone, I feel like a grumpy, andropausal, middle-age guy trying to write a blog about Halloween to keep himself from missing her. I really miss you so much, Mariel. I love you.

Sam News # 3

On By Ramon B.In On Grieving, Samantha1 Comment

Sam as Belle

It’s Saturday, Oct. 27 and I’m at the office finishing up on some work as well as tending to “Mariel’s Garden”. Sam’s away with my sister Alma doing trick or treating somewhere in Pasig. Every year, Mariel prepared for “the” Halloween event. Last year, she personally designed Sam’s Cruela De Ville outfit. Before that, it was Belle and characters from the Disney portfolio. It’s all for fun and games. And the chance to dress up the “doll” of her life, Samantha. Mariel was very creative with costumes and stuff. Well actually, she was good with just about everything. Decors, crafts, clothes, writing etc. I even hate to admit it but she was way more creative than me, and I’m the one that actually does it for a living.

This year, Sam’s outfit will be of the “witchy” kind, courtesy of Tito Baguie, who had picked this costume in a recent US trip. Everyone has been so kind and helpful to us both, trying to ease Mariel’s absence now from our lives. We truly appreciate all the love and care we have received.

But while Halloween too shall pass, it will never the same at least for me. For I no longer have Mariel to “tease” about having some-other- kid’s-costume- as- being- nicer than Sam’s. Or having a rare, special day spent with just the two of us as Sam’s out trick or treating for the rest of the afternoon with her cousins. Instead I’m alone at the office, flailing at my old computer, grasping at fleeting memories and wishing I had Mariel beside me now to say, I love you “Mommy”.

Happy Halloween everyone.

Three for the Road

On By Ramon B.In Mariel's Life, On Grieving2 Comments

singapore-day-1-2-007.jpg

Mariel had always looked forward to planning Sam’s yearly Birthday celebrations. It was mostly coming up with fantasy themes like Kim Possible, Winx Club etc. and would have a nice excuse to make Sam wear some unique and colorful costumes. Or worrying about some clown or emcee that preoccupied Mariel on those June days. Surprisingly, this year however, she suggested doing something different. She proposed instead, for us to go on a trip together. It was an “expedition” to Singapore that coincided with the annual “Great Singapore Sale”. Those who knew Mariel know how much she loved to shop. I also wished this one so she could “relax” a bit, as she had been unusually busy at work in past months. I then made quick arrangements ( just a day before our trip) with the travel agent and off we were to our Great Singapore adventure.

It wasn’t our first trip out of the country together. Since about two years earlier we also brought Sam to the US for the usual Disneyland, Universal and Statue of Liberty jaunt. Back then, we had traveled with my mother – Conchita, who was quite close to Mariel. Uncommonly, this time however, Mariel wanted our travel to be an exclusive one. I even partly resented the idea thinking that we could have more fun with a bigger party.

Of course, I did not know that in about three months later, Mariel will no longer be with us. Had I in some way known this, then I would have done more to treasure our every moment in this trip. I would have taken more pictures of the two of us together.(I got only one). I would have taken more time having that leisurely breakfast at Wisma. I would have made sure to be with her more in her shopping excursions rather than waste time on my own selfish bargain-hunting. For in the end, all I had left are the memories, random snapshots and a deep regret that maybe I should have been more mindful of the “clues”.

Things like, Mariel not buying anything for herself despite the great lure of “the” sale. She had bought tons of presents for everyone but left out her own wishlist.Very puzzling. She had made sure that Sam enjoyed the Sentosa attractions even if it meant braving some rainy Singaporean episodes. She had even wanted me to have that fancy wristwatch I could only lust for at the watch store. She was giving me extra “attention” in the Singapore trip but I had not really taken notice. Maybe, because I’m was so used to her taking care of me. Because I had always known that we will someday grow “old and gray” together. Because I had always thought that we will have many more “Great Singapore” shopping trips to make.

And all I have now are these snapshots. I miss you “Mommy” so very, very much.

Lilac, Purple or Mariel

On By Ramon B.In Mariel's Life, On GrievingLeave a comment

Pretty in PurplePeople have noticed that the color lilac and its siblings have always caught the eye of Mariel. Yes, you can check out her coffee mug, toothbrush and of course, her wardrobe and you’ll immediately see an obvious theme. Mariel’s well developed fashion sense however, does not preclude all the other lovely colors like pink, orange, red and apple green, all of which she adores too. But, Mariel it seems has a special fondness for this special shade of royalty. My princess loves everything about it. I used to kid her when we go window shopping that she can’t resist any blouse or dress in this color specially when its on sale. My very first gift to her in fact was a purple jewelry box ( without any jewelry, by the way) in that special color. I, of course, promised her to fill up the case with the desired content someday.

Today I remember her purple jewelry box, violet umbrella, lilac mini- electric fan and ube-tinted shades with special fondness and some sadness. My princess has now gone to the great purple paradise in the sky and I fervently wish I still could still add one more lilac- colored something to her collection. But alas, I could now only shed purple tears and hope to meet her as soon as God allows in our lilac garden and purple- themed house in heaven. I love Mariel.

You are so beautiful, Mariel

On By Ramon B.In Flowers for life, Mariel's Life, On Grieving3 Comments

When I first met Mariel, we would sometimes talk endlessly on the phone. Now I can share a dark, little secret, I used to sing her a cappella the beloved Joe Cocker song- “You Are So Beautiful”, over the phone. Do I hear yikes? ( I had this one sung to her at her wake by my good friend and artiste Binky Lampano and I will have that one posted as soon as I find time to edit, it’s as honest and magnificent as Joe’s.)

Mariel used to gush over my ugly, untrained voice and found it beautiful. I know she’s not tone deaf because she coaches my talented daughter Sam at singing. Somehow selective perception has kicked in then and she saw something she liked. That’s why I love her so, she has taken me with all my imperfections and made lemonade instead.

Mariel “you are everything I hoped for, you’re everything I need, you are so beautiful to me”. I know you are now in God’s bosom. One day we will meet again and I will sing your song to you.

Sam News #2

On By Ramon B.In On Grieving, SamanthaLeave a comment

Sam still misses Mommy badly. That’s why we’re still “refugees” at my sister’s house because she still feels very sad when we make “visits” to our own house. It’s still our comfy old place but kinda feels empty without Mariel. I haven’t changed a single thing since Mariel left us for God’s Garden. Probably wont. Because Mariel has put in so much effort to make it really nice, within our means. In fact, even when she was very sick, she found a way to point out the nicest spot for the piano. Mariel had that designer’s touch.

Sam tells me we will try to move back in around her mother’s birthday- Nov. 6. Can’t really tell if she will feel up to it by then. Should we still somewhat delay the return to Sto. Nino though, I know Mariel will approve. She only wants nothing more but what’s best for her “Chung-Chung”‘s ( as she lovingly calls Sam). Nevertheless, I will make sure we have a special place set for Mariel on that day.

By the way, Sam will have their field demo exercises in school tomorrow- Oct. 23. Every year Mariel and I attended this. Now there will be an empty seat beside me. I know however that Mariel wont miss it for anything. So I’m sure she’ll find a way to watch Sam perform.

We really miss her.

Is there a doctor in the house? (part 2)

On By Ramon B.In On Grieving, Undifferentiated Connective Tissue DiseaseLeave a comment

I loved Mariel so much. More rantings about Undifferentiated Connective Tissue wont bring her back. But, as much as it hurts retelling her illness, I must try to find out. So that others wont have to suffer. So others will stand a chance. Mariel would have google- searched till she gets an answer. She is thorough. Saving others will surely make her happy.

Is low hemoglobin count a relevant marker or precursor for her sickness? She had this come out of her blood chem results consistently the last few months before she went to the hospital. But as usual she was asked to take Iberet or Iron supplements and come back after 4 weeks. Just asking?

Another dog day at the mall

On By Ramon B.In Flowers for life, On GrievingLeave a comment

I went to the mall today. It was tough just getting from the entrance to the exit. Of all times, they decided it was a good day to play “Silent Night”. Books on grieving tell you to expect the unexpected. But nothing prepares you for when the feelings hit you. Yes I’ve lost my Mariel less than a month ago, and if you care to know it feels like having a 30-pound iron ball trying to escape through your chest cavity every time.

I dread the coming holidays. Not to mention Mariel’s birthday which is coming in some two weeks. The experts again advise you to plan in detail how you want to spend those days. To avoid having to deal with the stray memories. I don’t know about you but the only reason I live now is because of those memories. I will go through those days, cherish the memories and there really are tons of them. As weekends were spent mainly cuddling each other, with our daughter Sam. I will also probably cry a lot. Crying is good. Crying heals, albeit so slowly. Crying keeps you less numb, at least for some minutes. Crying keeps you from dying. I can’t tell how long I have to deal with more dog days.

By the way “dog days” are technically the hottest days in the year, when everything seems to stand still. Right now, I feel like I’m strolling underwater, just trying to make it to the exit. By the way, I forgot to mention that its October 19, it’s just past lunch and I’m at the Glorietta mall and a bomb just went off. You can follow the rest on TV. I’ll be sitting it out some more. The “mortars” exploding in my chest are more fearsome to me.

Is there a doctor in the house?

On By Ramon B.In On Grieving, Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease4 Comments

I lost my Mariel to Interstitial Lung Disease caused by Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease. Barely six weeks after we checked with a dermatologist to complain about some ordinary rashes and fever. ( We were even discharged earlier at another hospital for what they thought was merely a viral infection, after ruling out Dengue ).

C3 ANA test, Lupus panel, Malaria check, TB check, Typhoid check, X-rays, Punch biopsy, Hi-res CT scan all proved negative initially. Until one day, someone mentioned interstitial blah blah. Medrol, Plaquinil, Azythromycin, Pulse therapy, Rituximab, Deep Vein 2-D echo, ICU,Ventilator later didn’t seem to help. I know the doctors did the best they could, but is there really something more I could have done for Mariel? I was with Mariel 24/7 in the last 10 days at the hospital. I suffered too with every dip of the Oximeter, that painful alarm, the Spirometer torture machine and Mariel’s every brave attempt to fight off the disease. She kept strong faith in God through it all until He took her on Sept. 20, 2007. The only reason perhaps I could not bring myself to “hate” God for what happened to her was the fact that she suffered more than my whining self and never wavered. Thus, Mariel is my angel for saving my soul.

Undifferentiated Connective Tissue disease is a cruel, strange, kilometric, treacherous, despicable, double- barreled snob of a disease. I will fight it now for Mariel through my own dying breath.

How’s Sam today?

On By Ramon B.In On Grieving, Samantha3 Comments

Mariel and Sam in Baguio

I get queries on how Samantha’s doing much more than people ask me how I’m doing. But that’s ok because, right now really, Sam is all that I need to do. Being with her and caring for her eases somewhat the pain of no longer being with Mariel. I know Mariel approves(present tense) because Sam is everything to her. Everything.

Well today, October 16, Sam is doing her best to catch up with the barrage of missed quizzes and projects. She was absent for about two weeks. But I’m not worried Mariel has prepared her well for such things. Sam like her mom is very thorough with (school)work. Sam too can finally go back tomorrow to her beloved METTA practice (Assumption Musical Theater Program), and thus prepare for their December series of shows. By the way, Sam gets to play Annie in the Annie Musical. You know, ” I love you tomorrow… you’re only a day away”.

Please book early, call 8170757. I’m sure Mariel has already reserved the best seats.